Addicted (18+)

I’m addicted to you. I wish there were 12 steps to remove you from my life. You make me miserable and I just don’t know who I am because of you.

You got me hooked on purpose to play with my head and it has changed my soul. You have rearranged my foundation and now I stand on ground that wants to fall beneath me. At times I want to cut myself and watch it bleed just to feel something again. You took away everything I had and played with my mind. I was delusional to think that you cared for me. No matter how you apologise to me it makes no difference. I’m broken and damaged and I am to blame. I knew you. I knew you were unable to control your darkness and I fell into your embrace anyway.

When you kissed me I felt the world disappear. I had never felt so content in someone's arms. You could see me fall in love with you and it built a game for you to play. You toyed with my desire for you and felt joy in building me up so you could plan how to tear me down. I never expected you to demolish me like you did. Especially since you directly told me you wouldn’t.

I think about your hands on me all the time. I dream about sleeping in a bed with you and having my head on your chest. I crave the feeling of your body pressed perfectly up against mine. The way you would take control and convince me that I was someone you were attracted to. The lie was so great and I was so blind.

The night you admitted to playing with my mind made me rethink every moment we had shared and every word you had ever said to me. It changed every kiss, every touch and every thought. I had fallen in love with an illusion.

“I was naive, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping,
Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely”

I want to take every moment with you back and give them to someone deserving. Someone who would take pleasure in my happiness and not my misery. To people who appreciate my love and compassion and all that I do.

You introduced me to a world that I wasn’t ready for. Sex with you was exhilarating and intriguing. I felt more alive in one night then I had in 25 years. How you could show me such passion and have it all be an elaborate act is a feat and sadly something I, in the back of mind, find impressive.

All day and night I would be talking to you and divulging information you would later use against me. I told you things only I knew, things that were like little keys you could use to unlock barriers and shorten the time it would take for my walls to come down. You made it seem like you found me interesting, like you wanted to spend time with me.

You told me you wanted me. Which in itself I should have questioned considering that you have known me for four years now and all you have ever done is make it clear that “If I was on fire and the only way to put it out was to have sex with you, I would let myself die”. I thought it was clear that there was no sexual attraction between us. But from the moment you kissed me I thought this could not be the case.

The vulnerability that I feel around you is only in comparison to hanging from a hand over a canyon. The trust I put in you so blindly has destroyed me so completely.

I am so addicted to you and it’s now been four weeks since you touched me and I’m losing my mind. You will never read this, if you did you would just add it to your ego and gain pleasure in my admittance of needing you.

I wish I had never met you. That you had never kissed me. That you had never had the chance to do this to me. But I still want you to text me and ask me to come over. To have you have your way with my body, mind and soul. And this, this is why I will be addicted to you. Until I can force you out of my thoughts I will never be free. I will never move on and get back what I lost because of you.

I just want you to love me. I just want you to disappear. I just want to see you again.